Confessions of a Stay-at-Work Mom: 2015

December 1, 2015 was the hardest day of my life. It had the greatest highs and lowest lows all in one.

On Monday at my 37-week midwife appointment, Tisha swept my membranes and felt my cervix grow from 3cm dilated to 5cm and paper-thin. I went to bed that night at 10 and woke again at 12- having consistent contractions. Waited a bit and woke Flip to say, “I think its time” to which he said “time for what?” I let him catch up then texted my mom (to come back from hotel) and doula, Amanda, to come over. Once they got there we hung around for a bit while my contractions grew.

Around 3 or 4am I decided we should head to the hospital. Mom stayed to be with the sleeping kids. Flip and I got lost finding labor and delivery and security gave Amanda trouble! While checking in the desk nurse asked me "are you getting induced or c section?" "I'm in labor!" "Oh you're so calm..." Must be the childbirth hypnosis I practiced haha. We eventually all made it and Tisha took us to the big room with the tub.

Tisha checked me and I was so disappointed to hear that I was still 5cm! I really thought I would be 10 considering the pain and how long id been contracting. When I had Luna I was 10cm when I got to the hospital. I got in the tub for a while which felt good but didn't help much with progression. The first nurse I had was Bridget, who was a nurse I had in Slidell when having Luna! She is pregnant and also does hypnobabies. Once her shift ended at 7 am, I got Lanette and her trainee Madeline. Poor girls had to check heart tones on the babies every 30 minutes and the positions I was in did not help them, but they were very sweet and understanding.

I eventually got out of the tub and on to the bed to listen to some hypno. The nurse checked me and I was only 7cm. This was already my longest, hardest labor and it seemed there was no end in sight. After awhile I took out my ear buds and told flip and Amanda I needed help. I wanted an epidural.

Both of them reassured me I was doing it, the end was in sight, etc. Amanda clearly had experience because she was skillfully changing my words when the nurse would come in. I’d say I wanted an epidural but somehow when the nurse would appear Amanda would turn it into “she is doing so beautifully! She just wants to know that she’s progressing”. I was serious though. I couldn't take any more. They convinced me to get back in the tub and called Tisha. She came in and checked me again (no progress) and broke my water in the tub. Even Dr. Lapeyrolerie (the back up doctor who had to be present for the twin birth) came in and told me I was about to be done and didn't need anesthesia. It was around this time that my mom arrived at the hospital after taking the kids to school. The nurse came in to tell us she was here but I was in such a bad place mentally I couldn't let her come in. I knew I'd beg her for help.

Once my water was broken things picked up and I had several contractions where I felt the need to push. I had wanted a water birth but it was not allowed with twins because they need to monitor baby B immediately after A comes out. At this point I was so exhausted and really done, though, and decided the only way out was through. Without telling anyone what I was doing, I let myself push. Only Flip and Amanda were in the room (no medical professionals). I wasn’t speaking to them at this point because I was so over it. I pooped a little and Amanda went to call a nurse for a fish net to get it out of the tub. By the time she was back baby A was crowning and she called again screaming. I felt like I was also screaming, but when I watch the video Amanda caught last minute, I wasn’t. Maybe that was when I put my head underwater! Flip was cheering me on, ready to catch the baby. As the head was halfway out I told him to just pull it out! He couldn't so somehow I pushed it the rest of the way and by this time Tisha had run over from her patient across the hall. My unplanned unapproved water birth was her first bare hands baby catch! Flip was a bit disappointed he didn’t get to do the catching.

Tisha handed the baby to me and put a towel over us. I asked what it was and nobody knew so I checked and was shocked and thrilled to see it was a GIRL! I was convinced we were having two boys, but wanted at least one girl. A perfect little girl born in the water, our Sailor. My very next thought was "go get my mom!" So Amanda did. My mom came in thinking I had already had both twins. When she saw the look on my face though she knew.

I was quite shaky after Sailor was born and dreading having to do it again. They checked baby b's heart rate (good) and position (head down!) on the ultrasound machine while I was still in the tub. We all cheered to find her stats good to proceed with another natural birth. We were all on a bit of a high from the surprise and excitement of Sailor’s fast water birth. Dr. Lap joked, "How's that epidural treating you? Well you got your water birth!" I had no tears and that was by far my easiest pushing experience.

Sailor's cord seemed to pulse forever. I wasn't contracting again right away so Dr. Lap went to reschedule her patients across the street. Once they cut Sailor's cord they looked again for baby b's heart rate and struggled to find it in the water. They said I needed to get out. In tons of pain and just then starting to have contractions again, I was moving slowly. They rushed me and got me to the bed, where I wanted to lean for a contraction. The stern side of Tisha came out and she said “I need you on the bed now”. They laid me down and used the ultrasound to find the heart. I guess they could not find it because all hell broke loose. Calm, gentle Tisha was yelling "I need Lap NOW! Baby b is down!!" And a cord was pulled which sent probably 15 different medical professionals into the room and into action.

All of the sudden I am given oxygen (by Amanda- who used to be a labor and delivery nurse) and told to start pushing NOW. Lap runs in and immediately has her hands inside me, which is when she feels the cord below baby b's head. Prolapsed cord means when I contract, baby's head pushes against the cord and keeps oxygen from reaching baby. I am pushing while Lap is trying to push the cord away from the head. I can tell we need the baby out now. She talks me thru what she's doing, with phrases like "I'm sorry this is going to be super painful". At one point she says “she JUST had a baby why is this so hard?” After a few pushes and the help of forceps, which Dr. Lap is known for being very conservative with yet skilled at, we get her out.

They take her to the warmer, telling me it's another girl. Now Dr. Lap starts sewing me up. I have a second-degree midline tear and some labial tears from the very brutal delivery. I'm pretty out of it and shaky. They tell me they're taking baby b to the NICU and Flip goes with. I saw she was on oxygen which I know isn't ideal but I really thought that would be the worst of it. Mom and I were texting flip to send us pictures of her from the NICU, with no response.

Once the NICU Doctor comes back with Flip I can tell its worse than I thought. She starts explaining that the baby was without oxygen for an unknown amount of time, was born unawake and although her lungs and heart are perfect her brain is not telling her lungs to breathe because of the trauma it went thru. She is on a ventilator, and showing seizure activity (eye and chin flutters and hand motions). They are worried about something called HIE. I'm not googling it, I'll take my info from her doctors. But I know the last word is encephaly and that's not a good one. The best thing they can do to help is to cool her body temperature to 93 degrees within 6 hours of her birth to try and reverse or stop the brain damage. We sign off for her to be taken by ambulance to Children's Hospital. She is being cooled for 3 days, warmed back up for one, and then we may know more about where she stands. We won't know everything though; as with developmental stuff we will kind of see as she grows.

They brought her to my room in a completely enclosed plastic bassinet before transporting her. This was my first time seeing her. I held Sailor up next to her for their first and only “just born” twins pic. Once she arrived at children's they called and let me know she was breathing on her own, though still hooked up to the ventilator for extra help. They also said she had no more seizures after getting the seizure meds. Flip went and visited her and said she was making some small movements and he got to touch her.

The time before Sailor and I were discharged was full of happy cuddles and worried, sad, confused tears. They took newborn pictures of Sailor and I just cried the whole time… I can’t buy pictures of one twin while the other is all alone across town. They should be getting pictures together! We know things could be worse and we could not have Scout with us at all. She has hope of getting thru this without a trace of issues. And if she doesn't, well what is normal anyway? Our job is to give her love and a great life and nothing changes that.

I am so thankful for the staff at the hospital. Tisha, Dr. Lap, my doula Amanda, all the nurses for me and the baby, the NICU team and the team from Children's who came to get our baby and have kept in touch with her progress. They seriously all have been so wonderful! Lanette and Madeline cried when they passed me on to the recovery nurse. Tisha cried when she came to have a long chat about everything. Dr. Lap isn't the crying type but she too took her time talking us through what had happened. It feels personal for every one involved and that is a good feeling. I am so thankful for Flip who was so strong for me during the birth, such a cheerleading during delivery, and the best protective daddy for Scout, making sure to be with her every step he can.

It was hard having one twin with us and the other away. It crushes me how different their first days on earth were. But I can't let myself dwell on the things I can't control. The good thing is that we have known from early on in the pregnancy that Scout aka baby B is super feisty and a fighter. She definitely lived up to that. During the cooling Scout would open her eyes and grab fingers. I got to meet her for the first time on December 3^rd. It is hard to believe I didn’t get to touch my baby until the 3^rd day of her life. Her amazing nurse, Liz, said when I came to visit she reacted so strongly. You could see her little lips sucking and she would look right at me, grab my finger.

On December 4, her cooling period was over and they started the slow warming process. We visited her everyday, some days more than once. The first time I got to hold her was December 5^th, her 5^th day of life. It was the best feeling in the world and heartbreaking because I had to put her back in her bassinet and leave her there afterwards. Her MRI was extremely positive. It showed just one small spot of hemorrhage, which they said should be nothing to worry about. We just have to keep an eye on her motor skill development and see if she needs extra help at any point. She will remain on the a small dose of the anti-seizure medication until she is 6 months as a precaution.

On December 10 I finally got to breastfeed Scout. I was pumping milk for her the whole time, but this was what I was looking forward to! She latched on like a champ and my heart nearly burst with pride. This was when I knew she was ok, and that I needed to push a little harder to get her home with us (at the recommendation of her pediatrician). My pushing was successful (and I think the Dr. felt bad when I was coming in to nurse multiple times a day while also nursing Sailor- who was not allowed in the NICU). On Saturday, December 12 we got to take Scout home.

I can’t thank enough all of our friends and family who have come forward to help out- bringing meals, cooking, running errands, going to the hospital to sit in the waiting room with Sailor while we visit Scout, visiting Scout themselves, taking Boston and Luna for playdates, giving rides to school, etc. I don’t know what we would have done without my mom and Marnie staying here for weeks on end and waiting on us hand and foot. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to repay them!

It has been amazing having Scout back with her sister. I’m pretty sure I’ll never sleep again but who needs it?